becoming a self in history, becoming a self in my street

Gabriella Cinquemani

I was hurt and I gave my power away. I believed the lies. I still do sometimes, when they catch me unawares. I believe in victim and blame. I believe that people hurt me. They hurt me so I punish them. How? By making myself small. By withdrawing. Itís the only power I feel I have. A childís power: sucking yourself down into yourself, drawing yourself into a tiny singularity at the heart of the black hole of your being. Need. Black hole of need and want. Be careful.

After I was hurt, later, I became mad. I mean it literally. I lost my mind to phantoms, voices, bad jokes where I am always the brunt and ghosts of past and future losses. Harsh places, bad memories. They put you in the hospital when youíre mad. They put you with other people, madder than you, so that you can all be mad together. You all feed each otherís madness, pinging left and right off everybody elsesí ghosts.

But.

But I wanted more. Inside, I wanted more. So I fought. I fought to get better. I did get better, but it was only outside, external. It was surface better. I took the medications. I did as I was told. I played the game. I wasnít mad anymore, but still, I played the game: do not pass Doctor, go to Hospital.

And I half-lived a half-life. Still am, in lots of ways.

But thereís one thing I know now. One thing that keeps me alert.

I was hurt, and I gave my power away to those who hurt me. I blamed and I became a victim. Pattern, a pattern trips over itself in the deeper vaults of my mind. I was mad. And I gave my power away to the madness. See the pattern. See it! DONíT GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY. Not to hurt and not to people. Not to your sickness. Definitely not to your sickness. If you do, youíll stay sick. Stay mad. DONíT GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY. Own yourself. Own your actions, own your feelings, own your thoughts. Take it all back. Stop blaming. When youíre mad, you live in a different reality. Itís bright and itís full of stupid, nonsense meaning, meaning that makes you do mad things. You think youíre Jesus, you think you have power. But you donít. You gave it away.